Advices to New Dominants ...
This page is dedicated to all Dominant Men and Women who want to learn, grow and live a small part of their rt life in our vt community. Here you'll find advices, help, thoughts and experiences from other Dom/mes, both Men and Women, who also, once upon a time, where new around here, it's also a haven, a place for all of USs those who have been around but want to share wiews and experiences with others.
If you'd like to contribute to this page, please send your thoughts and advices to the address below. Thankyou All.
DOMINANT .....
A few of My thoughts, opinions, and beliefs....
The very word, Dominant.. employed in reference to position within a
BD/SM relationship can be a bit misleading.. a bit of a misnomer.
Reading the definition of the word:
"..DOMINANT.... superior to all others in power, influence, or
importance.."
When taken literally... it can.. and often does lead to the abuse of
authority given the Top in this lifestyle. It may very well be true
that the Dom is stronger and more powerful physically in the
relationship... but being superior, or more important..? ..I think not.
Simply put.. One is the hammer.. one is the nail.
We have all seen the Dom/mes that demand blind respect.. regardless of
the disrespectful and obnoxious attitudesThey display.. treating
submissives as subhumans.. some submissives require and enjoy that type
of treatment from their Top.. but the key words here are.. their Top..!
But.. more often than not.. this type Dominant is merely abusive, and
oft times brutal.. and the submissive ends up on the losing end mentally
and physically.. disillusioned and hurt.
Being the DOMINANT in a BD/SM relationship brings with it much
responsibility... the responsibility of caring for One's submissive in a
manner consistent with the submissives needs and desires, immixed with
the needs and desires of the TOP... feeding and nurturing O/one another
in physical and mental exploration.. the journey is for the fulfillment
and gratification of B/both... not just One.
Being a Dominant has brought Me much pleasure, pride, and respect... and
in return.. these attributes are freely given to My submissive.
Remember this..... one, being a submissive.. does not equate to one
being a doormat..!
A rule of thumb that I follow is best summed up with what I refer to as
"The Platinum Rule".. a variance of the old "Golden Rule" that we all
remember from grade school... but with a vital difference... don't
treat Your subsmissive as You would be treated... but... "treat Your
submissive the way Your submissive desires to be treated..." ..after
all.. why ask them what they seek.. and then treat them as You will.
Choose a submissive who's wants and desires reflect Your beliefs, style,
and Your particular fetish persuasion... after all... this is a
relationship between two human beings.. a relationship no different in
spirit and soul than any other loving relationship... birds of a
feather, so to speak.
For example.. if You are not particularly interested in, nor fond of
Piercings... being unfamiliar and unskilled in administering Piercing
practices.. why would You choose a submissive who requires this fetish..
and worse yet.. attempt to administer this fetish without knowledge and
skill required.
Remember.. only two types of people work on watches.. a Watchmaker.. and
a Fool..!
Never.. and I mean Never.. overstep the limits that are set and agreed
upon by You and Your submissive.. I know, and do understand.. that in
the passionate heat of a Scene.. You may be asked.. or begged to take
the Scene one step futher.. and the prospect of taking that next step
may be so enticing that You may be tempted to do so.. but don't..!
For example... a submissive that has set a limit of "no sexual contact
during scenes".. but in the heat of the moment.. requests just that...
DON'T DO IT..!
You are the Top.. and as the Top.. You are charged with being in control
of the Scene, the submissive, and Yourself at all times.. and if at a
later time, and in another setting different limits are set.. fine.. but
until then.. stick to the current, agreed upon limits. Pushing the
envelope on limits is exciting.. being on the knife edge of ones
tolerance is stimulating.. changes and new horizons are vital for
growth.. but... Trust is crucial.
written by Lord Uthor
To Be Master
You have thought about this lifestyle for a while. It has tantalized you. You may even have played a bit, r/t or v/t.
Now you are thinking of "becoming a Top, Dom/me, Master or Mistress." You want to be the One Who says
what will happen; the One who commands, the One who is served. It can be an exciting, exhilarating thought. For
Some the experience can be even better. But what does it mean, to be Master?
To be Master/Mistress is not simply to dress Oneself in Caps and begin shouting orders. Those who do are apt to
discover that They are speaking only to Themselves—and rightly so. Mastery is not about an automatic blank
cheque to gratify all of One’s desires. D/s is fundamentally about relationship, whether that relationship lasts for the
duration of a scene or for many years. Power is exchanged within that relationship—the power that the Dom/me
has over the submissive is given by the sub’s free will. The dimensions of that power exchange, what acts are out
of bounds, what will be included, should be negotiated. Submission is a gift, and should be received with respect,
like a jewel wrapped in silk. To do otherwise is not D/s, but abuse.
To be given power in the relationship means to be given responsibility. Control in the relationship, for however
long it lasts, is given under the promise of its being exercised responsibly. The Dom/me is keeper of the limits for
both partners, just as He or She takes the responsibility for directing the relationship and for exploring and
expanding the limits. Basic limits should be negotiated in advance of a scene . . . but because no One’s judgment is
perfect, a safe-word for the sub is good practice. This is particularly true when the relationship is a new one, and
when the non-verbal cues that W/we take for granted in r/t are not visible.
D/s relationships that endure over time often involve the collaring of a submissive by a Master/Mistress.
Particularly for Those who are newly come to the lifestyle, it can feel as if collaring a sub is a sign that they are
really exercising Mastery. There are dimensions of Dominance and submission that probably grow most
completely within long-term relationships. But much more than in a relationship that lasts for the length of a scene,
the particular fit between the Master/Mistress and the sub is important. The Dominant becomes the One accepting
the responsibility for the development of that relationship, and it is important that the appropriate partner be
chosen. To rush into offering or receiving a collar is often to see that relationship end as quickly as it was begun,
and often with more pain for both parties than could be anticipated. There is a feeling of "instant intimacy" in v/t
that can be a tremendous emotional rush, but that does not substitute for simply taking time to know one another.
written by Imperial Dragon
If you want a slave,
If you want to keep a slave,
You must show her your strength as well as
your compassion.
If you would be beloved by her,
You must show her your love.
If you would be adored by her,
You must cherish her.
If you would have her devoted to you,
You must inspire her gratitude.
A slave gives you her heart
As well as her body;
She gives you her trust
As well as her submission.
Never forget
that what you want from her
must be earned....
must be mented....
Are you worthy
of such a slave as you desire?
Do you treat her with the degree of respect
you expect of her?
There is such a fine line!
Love and devotion
can turn to anger and resentment
If trust is betrayed,
If power is abused,
If your freedom becomes careless.
Discipline is not for submissives alone!
Control of a slave
depends on control of yourself.
Never lose sight
of your grave responsibility
to one who gives herself over to you!
Never lapse
into callousness
or carelessness
to one who has dropped
her last barriers
for your pleasure.
To go beyond the limits
--even one step!--
of what she can handle
Turns bliss into pain
and joy to grudge.
To go beyond the limits of consent
is not the way of the true Master.
Petty tyrants can impose their will;
The spineless can be intimidated;
The defenseless can be brutalized;
But only a true Dominant,
worthy of the name,
Can push on her limits
Freely enjoy her pleasures,
And have a lady return,
again and again,
In deep gratitude
For enslaving her,
Carefully treated,
She becomes truly yours
and will give you everything.
written by JD Rabbit
with this
dedication...
"To myself, that I may never forget,
and to SJF, with deep affection and great
respect...Autumn 1984."
shared with us by imajica
THINGS TO CONSIDER BEFORE CHOOSING YOUR PATH...
When deciding to become a Dom/me, there are many things
to be considered... the first two of which have to be the
combination of Responsibility and Respect.
What are some of the responsibilities of being a Dom/me?
There are a great many responsibilities related to being
a Dom/me... both social and personal responsibilities...
On the social side, this society is built on the premise
that the Dom/mes lead always. Therefore it is up to You
to conduct Yourself accordingly, as You also monitor the
conduct of the subs who approach You. The sub is one who
needs the Dom/me to guide them... in all things... in all
ways... so, when You allow a sub to approach without
showing proper respect... or to serve You without the
care which should be used, You are setting a new standard
that will affect not only You, but O/others as the sub
will feel that lack of care or respect to be acceptable.
subs will sometimes test You.. to see what You will do,
or what they can get away with... if they see that You
are not in control, the personal respect they have for
You will diminish... do You remember trying this Yourself
with teachers? or substitute teachers? It is the same
kind of thing... something that You must be aware of and
conduct Yourself accordingly... for the good of A/all...
HOW SHOULD A SUB APPROACH AND SERVE?
As with all things, each blossoms in T/their own way...
but generally, how a sub conducts themselves indicates
many things to the aware Observer... it shows their
level of training and respect, their talent in expressing
themselves, and perhaps their interest in receiving Your
attentions... just to name a few... out of respect for
Your position, a sub should never just walk up and start
talking to You... unless it is one that You know and have
given permission for such an approach... there are many
ways a sub might use to both show You respect and to let
You know they seek Your attentions... they could bow,
curtsey, or nod in greeting... perhaps wondering if You
might like something from the bar... or something like
that... but it should always be You who decides if You
will allow them to receive Your attentions... Just as
there are many ways for You to catch their attentions
besides trying to bark out commands immediately... One
might look at a sub and then to their empty glass...
or to the pillow beside their chair... or with a special
twinkle in Their eyes...
When serving You, pay particular attention to the care
with which they serve You... does their service consist
of...
getting You the drink and placing it on Your table...
or is it more like...
rushing behind the bar... grasping a goblet made of
fine crystal... placing it upon a red linen napkin atop
a tray of silver... putting some smoothly shaped ice
into the goblet... opening a bottle of the sweet nectar
and filling the glass... adding an assortment of breads
and cheeses to the tray... returning to kneel before You
with arms extended... head and eyes lowered... offering
You the refreshment...
it is easy to see the difference... not only the care
with which the sub serves, but perhaps their desire to
please You as well...
a sub should usually keep their eyes lowered unless You
have given them permission to gaze upon You... it is but
another sign of respect...
CORRECTIONS & CONTROL
What if You are approached and served by a sub who does
not display the appropriate respect or care in their posts?
Again, there are many things to be considered... first,
One should not assume that the sub is slapping You in the
face with this conduct... but rather that they may not
know better... as I said before, as sub relies on a Dom/me
to lead them in all things... especially their training...
The next things to consider is how well do You know this
sub? Have You seen them before? Are they new to this realm?
Have You seen them approach and serve O/others before?
Could there be something wrong which may be affecting their
conduct? Remember, a Dom/me should have enough self control
to ask and consider these things before deciding on a course
of action. For if You fail to consider these areas, will
Your corrective actions truly be effective? Depending on the
circumstances, there are many ways to correct this behaviour...
the trick is to find the most effective one for that particular
sub... You could speak to them... demonstrate for them...
call upon another sub who You feel does know how to conduct
themselves, and ask them to get You something while the other
observes... bearing in mind that neither a sub nor the Dom/me
is a mindreader... and if a sub offers to serve You, that is
a gift of themselves that they are presenting to You... they
expect and need You to correct them when they are wrong... but
Your control and judgement is paramount to their learning...
Naturally Your methods would change if it is a sub whom You
are very familiar with... some may neglect things from their
desire to be punished... some to be humiliated... some in
public... others desiring Your corrections to be done in private...
but the key is that all are different... all are unique... Your
responsibility is to consider them as such before You decide
on how to best correct their conduct...
INTERACTING WITH SUBS IN PUBLIC
When a sub expresses a desire for Your attentions, One should
bear in mind that thier offer of submission to You is their
most precious gift... it is their soul... they are trusting
You to both nurture and safeguard it while Y/you are sharing
time together... so, respect should be shown on both sides...
When a sub is serving or has accepted an invitation to join
You, You should expect them to devote their attentions to You...
likewise, if they are serving Another or otherwise engaged,
it is generally considered rude for Another to try to start
a conversation with them... the same applies for collared
subs... they may be friends with You, they may be allowed to
serve You, You may be in a conversation with them... but when
their Dom/me arrives, You should not expect them to be able
to continue until they have received permission to do so...
they are not being rude, but rather showing their respect to
He/She who owns them... also, when a collared sub serves You,
One should try to be quick to take what they have brought and
thank them... it is not nice to try to keep a collared slave
waiting and waiting when they have been nice enough to offer
to bring You something... understand as well that their Dom/me
may only allow them to bring the refreshment, place it on a
table and return to where they were... Some Dom/mes do not
want their subs to remain near Others... so try to be quick
and courteous... and realize they may have limitations placed
on them...
USEFUL TOOLS
Always remember that everything within this realm revolves around
the principals of trust and respect... in that light, the
respect You will receive will be based in large part upon how
well You display respect to O/others... when conversing with
A/another it is important to try to spell T/their handle
exactly as it appears when T/they post it... You should become
familiar with how to cut and paste... this will not only save
You from typing, but it will also include many of the special
characters that S/some have in T/their names...
As trust is paramount in all that transpires between a Dom/me and
a sub, You should realize that many subs will not feel comfortable
revealing their deepest desires in public... especially when they
are speaking to someone who is new to them... so, be prepared to
go private with them... find a room somewhere where the two of
Y/you can engage in a more intimate conversation...
Always insist, especially early on, that a sub provide You with a
safe word... even if they assure You that one will not be needed...
it will show Your concern for them... and that You take Your
responsibilities seriously... a safe word should be one that would
not be used in a normal conversation... a place, a color, something
that will only indicate that they have reached a limit...
Find a good questionaire that the sub can fill out for You... there
are many available on the net... this will allow them to reveal to
You what their limits are... what experiences they may have had
already... what their fears and desires are... carefully considering
their answers should give You a good idea of how compatible You two
may be... remember that a sub usually will take some time to
complete it... being honest with all answers... so do not criticize
their preferences or limits... but rather take them into consideration
as You consider Your possible future together...
A FEW THOUGHTS ABOUT TRAINING AND COLLARING
When You agree to take a sub into Your protection and training,
realize what a serious step this is... the sub is placing themselves
entirely within Your control... expecting You to provide for them...
to fill them... to nurture them... to keep their minds and hearts
busy... to provide them with tasks which will help You to know
them better, and make them feel closer to You.. having an
opportunity to please You by successfully completing them and
showing You what they have learned... they are offering You the joy
of their service and submission... opening their mind and heart to
You to shape and mold and make them better for it...
Plan their training and taskings carefully... considering their desires,
capabilities, experience level, and limits... realize that it will
take time for them to learn how to please You... especially with a
new one... bring them along a step at a time... if You put too much
on them all at once, You are probably setting them up for failure...
have a goal for each part of their training... do not be afraid to
have them practice or redo a lesson... for when they know that they
have reached the level You desire... it will fill their hearts with
joy...
Expect mistakes and plan for them... E/everyone faulters at some time
or another... when You issue a tasking You should already be thinking
of what You are expecting... make that very clear... then think of
how You could correct a shortcoming... keeping in mind that the more
the correction relates to the deficiency, the more likely they are
to truly learn...
Value Your collar and Your name... they should be precious to You...
things that a sub most demonstrate that they are worthy of receiving...
do not belittle Yourself or devalue Your collar by offering it
cheaply to a sub... don't use it to try to posess one... to try to
ensure that no Other sees or enjoys them... make the sub be patient...
make them earn that priviledge... and only offer it to them when You
are satisfied that not only do they please and serve You well... but
also that You can accept Your responsibilities to them fully... that
You can and will provide for all of their needs... Those who move too
quickly rarely enjoy the respect and honour that they might have had
they valued thier name more...
WHERE DO I LEARN THE TRICKS OF THE TRADE?
As You become established... as You show and receive respect for and
from O/others... do not be afraid to ask!! There are many well
experienced Dom/mes who inhabit these realms... watch and observe
Them... take what You see and do not copy from Them, but put Your own
slant to an idea... ask Some if You might msg Them, or speak with Them
privately sometime... a great many will be happy to help You if They
feel that You are sincere and trying to learn... They will likely
be Your best source of information...
Take some time to search the net... there are many resounces available
so easily... read... observe... learn all You can... always remembering
that the sub expects You to provide for them completely...
I hope that some of these ideas may be of help to You... and remind
You that these are only the thoughts of One... speak to O/others...
as the joy of learning never ceases when One has a strong desire
to be more...
written by §Markuss§
When you walk in the door...
My advice for any new person entering the vt realm of BD/SM, sub or Dom/me, is the same... patience... watch and learn... persistence... return as often as you can and at varying times of the day... talk to people... most will welcome newcomers provided you are not interrupting a scene or important conversation... take note of who you speak to... a submissive who has a capped Dominant's name attached to theirs is already owned and therefore should be treated accordingly... if they are not allowed to speak to other Dom/mes then don't expect them to speak to you or serve you... watch carefully before speaking... it is very rude and disrespectful to speak to one involved in a scene... and please try not be pompous if you can help it... remember you are not really Lord or Lady anything unless you've visited the Queen lately... keep a sense of humor and mind your manners and people will respond positively...
What is a Dom/me, Mistress, Master.. Top?
Perhaps it is easier to begin by saying what they are not... a Dom/me does not walk into a room shouting orders, expecting to obeyed and respected before a word is spoken, simply by virtue of the cap in their name.. the only submissive that is required to kneel or serve you is one whom you own... no others, collared or otherwise are required to do anything... they do not belong to you... any Dom/me can expect a certain degree of basic respect, just as any sub can... however if you intend to make an ass of yourself that way, expect to be laughed out of the room... Domination is not about posturing... imagine what would happen if you walked into the neighborhood pub and started shouting or hitting people... at best you would be ignored, at worst the bouncer would fire you out the front door...
What is a submissive, slave, bottom?
First and foremost a sub is a person... not a doormat... service is not a given but a gift... no submissive is required to do anything for you unless you own them already... consent is the key word here... nothing happens without consent... not service and certainly not punishment...
A Dom/me can be called many things... teacher, friend, lover, punisher... all of these can blend into a relationship that can transcend all others...
I first arrived in the Basement at Bianca's around june of 1996... at the time of my arrival I knew almost nothing about BD/SM.. the forms, the pleasures, the relationships were all foreign to me... I watched and learned... conversed with whomever would speak to me... and ran around in a panic when I somehow acquired my first slave... wondering what the heck I was going to do with him...
There are a few key words that are part of the definition of the Dominant partner in a BD/SM relationship...
The first of these is control... the Dominant must have control over themselves before they even begin to look toward their submissive/slave... never punish in anger or rage, these will blind your control and are tantamount to abuse... if you're pissed off go punch the wall but leave your submissive alone... this is especially important if you are considering taking the step from vt to rt... remember that you will be applying forces to a human body... and done incorrectly or without thought or control can maim or even kill..
The second is responsibility... being a Dominant is a great responisbility... you are responsible for the welfare of your submissive/slave, their care, their growth, their emotional and physical health... this is not a game for children... a high level of emotional and mental maturity is required...
The third is respect... at all times you must respect your submissive's limits and safewords... these must be well established before play begins... once trust has been established and the relationship has grown, you may begin to push their limits carefully... otherwise, listen... listen to what they say and what they don't say... also repsect for your submissive as a person...
There are also a number of questions you must ask yourself before you begin... these are things I struggled with myself when I first began this amazing journey...
1. Can you strike another person?
2. Can you humiliate another person?
3. Can you watch another person's pain and derive pleasure from it?
4. Can you take control of another person?
5. Can you handle another person's complete devotion?
Next you need to decide what it is that you find arousing or fulfilling about being a Dominant.... remember that Dominance is not necessarily about sex, although that is a component...
Decide on your own style of Domination... what are YOUR limits? is bondage your particular thing? whipping? spanking? humiliation? cbt(one of my personal favorites *grin*)? forced feminization? do you want a pony slave? a puppy? do you like knife work or does the sight of blood make you faint? are you bisexual, monogamous, a pathological flirt?
Decide how you wish your submissive to behave... what is a proper greeting... how you wish them to kneel.. what postures they should take... are they allowed to play with others? talk to others? serve a drink?
One of the best things to do is research... read all the information that you can find on the subject, it is all out there on the net... then speak to other Dominants... most are more than willing to pass on information and hints...
On collars... a collar is a symbol of ownership, a symbol of a deep commitment between the Dominant and their slave... they are not attached to yoyo strings to be sent out and retracted every 30 seconds... it is not however necessarily a symbol of monogamy.... monogamy is something to be decided between the two involved... at all times be honest and forthright about your expectations in this area... many slaves expect to be the only one their Mistress/Master owns... others are perfectly content and find fulfillment in a stable of slaves...
which leads to another point... it takes a great deal of energy and patience to own one slave, let alone several... it is best to begin with one and then introduce others as you find your skills and experience increase...
Above all enjoy yourself... explore yourself, learn about yourself... have a little fun and don't take yourself too seriously... and when you do find that one submissive that makes your blood sing... treasure and cherish them... they are the greatest gift you will ever receive...
written by Lady Shadith
Some thoughts on D/s relationships and particularly in the vt (virtual side) of it. I've read down through what is already written here, and don't wish to simply say the same advice over. I would suggest You take the time to read it, for it is good advice. My advice is more related to relationships with the major medium for communications being Your computer.
A D/s relationship or any relationship can seem easier on a computer, or they can seem harder when there is time constraints, but often there is a sense of immediate closeness. I don't know if this is where the 30 second collaring comes from. I Myself think that even in VT You have to take the time to get to know each Oother. You as a Dom/me cannot get to know a sub You are interested in, in one evening. And as a sub, you are only doing a disservice to yourself by accepting a collar or a name in that time length. Even here in vt there is much to learn about each Oother before going into a relationship. A D/s relationship is even more special, and deserving of the time, for the subs are giving themselves emotionally, mentally to You. Perhaps there isn't the physical aspect, but yet there has to be immense trust. And as a Dom/me You
have to be able to take Your sub into Your hands, into Your mind. You are now taking their trust in You, and accepting their well being. If You are just out for a quick fling, there are plenty of ways to do that without having a sub wear You name, or a virtual collar.
In taking a sub, You are agreeing to look out for that person, to put their well being ahead of yours. And in this vt realm, that gets forgotten often in the hurry to have someone to call Your Own. As the Top in the relationship, You have the responsibility to know the emotions, the strengths and the weaknesses of the sub. Now can You learn that overnight? Of course not. The best advice I can give is take Your time, and that goes for both subs and Dom/mes. If You are serious enough to be reading this, then You should have the strength to be patient. After all patience is going to become something You will need in juggling schedules to be able to spend time together. Now I'm sure some of You are thinking "well I'll
learn all about them after they are Mine" well that works sometimes, but far more often in this realm it
fails badly. Why does it fail so often?
Well there are many reasons, partly not learning the likes and dislikes of the sub. Do Yyour personalities jell, are Yyour likes and dislikes close to the same, are Yyour ideas about BDSM along the same path,
are Yyou expecting a real time relationship to develop. You don't know if You rush in, because Yyou haven't taken the time to learn. As a Top You are agreeing to many things, and those are only the beginning really, and if Your in such a rush to have Your very Own slave not to look before You leap then what kind of a Dom/me will You make?
And You also need to set some common sense limits. Are You going to expect the sub to be doing real
things while Yyour scening? You need to remember that its not always easy to do when there are boyfriends, girlfriends, wives, and husbands lurking about, not to mention kids. Are Yyou both
going to be able to work around that? Or will Yyou bring them into things, let the spouse or whatever
know what is going on to avoid problems in the future. That's all up to Yyou, but something that needs
to be discussed before hand in My humble opinion. If You plan on assigning tasks to do, are You going
to remember that sometimes RT takes over and things can't be finished on time. Of course on the bright
side this does give You a nice opportunity to reprimand the sub if they agree to finishing on time and then
don't *grin*. Always looking for the positives Ya know.
Lastly, have fun, enjoy Yourself, and remember that Your not dealing with a computer screen. But instead a real person, with real feelings and emotions. Don't take that lightly, don't think that just because Your looking at a screen and typing words that feelings for Eeach other won't develop. Remember that often times they develop faster because Yyou are forced to communicate. Can't just give a look, or show a mood, have to describe it.
written by Mirage
Links to Other pages:
Erotic Pleasures by Lady Erotica and Her devoted humble
Web page of Mastery
Dominants in Controlled Kink
The Master's creed
BDSM definitions
What kind of slave are You searching for ?
The Rest of The Nest, Our other pages
The Nest's Basement -A BDSM Chatzone-
This page is hosted by Morgana le Fay, and at this very moment under construction. If you like to add your ideas, advices, thoughts and experience on the subject, please mail/msg me......with love to all..... Morgana le Fay
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The Nest,
All rights reserved
Content herein is reprinted by permission of the authors
Last Updated 1998-01-09 14:19:10